Written by Wiśa Wahośi Trudell In its own right, using my voice has been a journey in itself. My voice had been lost in the dark shadows of trauma, leaving me, trapped in the oppression of not only the effects of abuse but by my own silence.  I remember the past. Where my thoughts raced in desperation looking to be released. Searching for a conduit of bravery. Searching in the depths of myself, seeking the innovation of my voice. I had a wind in my belly, circulating a storm of disturbance. My truth, my sadness, my pain, my anger; a hurricane force desecrating my spirit. My silence was hurting me. My silence was a dishonor to My Truth of my abuse. My silence prevented me from standing by my own side with support. I would never stand in my own power, chained by my silence.  One day I heard a song on the radio about speaking. As I listened to Sara Bareilles words: “You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love Or you can start speaking up Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do And they settle ‘neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out” “Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down By the enemy Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing Bow down to the mighty Don’t run, stop holding your tongue Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in Show me how big your brave is Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave Innocence, your history of silence Won’t do you any good Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth?”
I cried. All the tears from my kept silence were shed from my soul, overflowing from my volcano of feelings that sat dormant too long. All the tears from my fears and the misplaced shame that had been holding me back came out from the root of me, finding its way back to the earth. Tears spoken from my heart, now full of inspiration and long-lost hope. In this moment I knew I had to find my voice and I had to use her to speak if I was going to survive.
Once I knew I needed to honor my voice, I still needed to learn how. At first, my voice felt dirty to use. My nervous system felt panicked to speak the truth of others’ sins against me. I felt vulnerable and naked at times. So many times, I would share my voice and then panic afterward. I would speak and then quickly isolate myself with a shield of distance.
Then something bittersweet happened, I saw how I wasn’t alone in my trauma. I met other victims learning to survive just as I was learning to find my way along with them. The bitterness is because there are so many of us having to survive the traumas done to us by abusers. It’s painful to swallow. But I also see the sweetness in how we can collectively heal together, in Comadre of our collective courage and perseverance. I helped save myself the day I began to use my voice. I had challenged myself and forced myself to sit with the discomfort of my speaking. But as I learned how best to speak, I became familiar with her power. The strength of my voice helped me become stronger.
I now love to express myself; uttering words of emotion, articulating my empowerment, vocalizing for accountability, enunciating “I am a survivor and I am a warrior”, proclaiming my worth; my voice is an instrument to use for advocating.
I state my truth, I speak my name; my voice sets me free…With every word inspired by my past silence. I say words into songs of resilience, sung by the wind of my breath no longer trapped in my belly. Our truth travels in the gusts of our winds.
And I have learned, nothing scares the predatory system and their abusers more than a capable and empowered voice, fed now by the root of truth. My voice won’t be silenced by those who run and hide from truth and accountability.
I am posting the song that inspired me in my comment section. I still feel engulfed in beautiful emotions when I hear Sara Bareielles song, “Brave”.
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