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How The Term "Abuser" Has Become A Dirty Word



People have shared with me their disagreements regarding how I use the term “abuser”. People have told me how choosing to identify the perpetrator of abuse against me as an “abuser” is giving them power over me…which I believe is far from the truth. People have told me because I openly journal, and talk about my experiences that I am giving power to my abuser; again, from my point of view, this is far from the truth. My personal experience is a collective experience, as we are all trying to survive this predatory system, I have volunteered to share my journey. For me this is empowering.

Many survivors know we cannot safely name the names of those who have done acts of abuse against us. The courts and legal system do not protect us. Survivors have been taken to court for defamation for speaking their truth and naming their abusers. Speaking our truth, including speaking the names of those who have harmed us is very healing and transformative. The predatory system is not invested in protecting us, helping us heal, helping us find our empowerment, or helping us use our voices. So, while I cannot safely identify the names of those who have perpetrated abuse against me, it is a further act of abuse for victims to be unable to make that choice for themselves. After consideration, thought, and analysis, I have come to the mindset that those who perpetrate abuse, are not worthy of any other identification other than chosen nouns to identify the predatory energy they are subjecting others to.

I purposefully and intentionally use the term “abuser”, and while I use the term, that does not mean I am handing over my power to them. It means I am recognizing the truth of their behaviors and identifying them for what they are, abusers. This is another way I hold them accountable and this is empowering to me. I in no way hand any of my personal power to abusers.

When someone disagrees with me and tells me I am giving my power away to my abuser, I try to reflect on how this could be a projection or possibly a fear of their own. The patriarchal predatory system constructs this perspective and has been used against us all, from one generation down to another. We perpetuate this predatory construct and may not always realize the harm that we are passing on.


This is how society has programmed us to get us back in line, tell a victim (who is not allowed to be a victim) that their abuser (whom they aren’t allowed to identify as an abuser) still has a hold on them; after they rebelliously speak about having an abuser. This is gaslighting, triggering, and traumatic to be told, that someone who abused and violated us is still capable of having power over us because we dared to identify as a victim of abuse and dared to claim that someone abused us. The opinion that "an abuser still has power over you" is not only subjective, but it’s inappropriate. I view it as an extension of predatory behaviors and it feels abusive to me. I do understand, that the person who is conveying the opinion may not understand this message as being psychological warfare to shame victims. I have also witnessed other survivors talking about their trauma symptoms and triggers, after being so vulnerable then having someone tell them because they are still feeling triggered and traumatized, their abuser still has a hold/ power over them; this is a further example of psychological warfare. These messages have been indoctrinated into us by the system. Making us accomplices to the shaming and silencing of victims, which results in more trauma and stunts the ability to heal. Not only for individuals but for our communities, this is one of the ways the cycle of generational trauma is perpetuated.

No one outside of myself can tell me about the power within myself…how I am using or losing my power is not for anyone else to gauge or have an opinion on. My personal power is my own self-determination and my sovereignty. The same is true for us all.

In court, abusers are attempting to manipulate my voice, my advocacy, my posts, and my use of words as evidence against me. They quote me, and bold the word “Abuser” to highlight how I referenced the term “abuser”. Again, I make no mention of names or any other identifying traits, yet they self-identify with the word “abuser” and tell the court I am speaking words of hate. Without using their names, the term “abuser” is holding them accountable. They are proving my point.

Our society weaponizes victim blaming and shaming terminology, such as “being the victim”, "playing the victim", or having a "victim mentality" and our society makes rules on how we are able to identify our own perpetrators of abuse. We are shamed for identifying the realities of both being made victims and having abusers.

I use the term” abuser” and I identify as being a victim of abuse, both have no negative reflection on my sense of self or the beautiful soul within me. I refuse to live within the structures of the patriarchal misogynistic predatory system that has been built to box us in. I won’t cover up the truth of reality. I won’t be complicit in my own oppression. To do so is a dishonor to myself and my experiences. Not calling them abusers, not identifying how they victimize us, is an act that supports abusers and helps in their pursuit, to not be held accountable.

The predatory system tells us we can’t be victims, think about why. How do they benefit from this? The predatory system tells us we can’t identify those who perpetrate abuse against us, not even by referencing them as a noun, such as “abuser”…think about why. How do they benefit from this?


While I won’t be speaking the names of those who perpetrated abuse against me, I will call them what they are, “Abusers”.


I speak the names of those who are good, kind, loving, the victims and survivors, the healers, the warriors; their names matter.


My name matters,

Wiśa Wahośi Trudell



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