I want to share this article written by Chuck Derry, the Director of the Gender Violence Institute and published by Voice Male magazine in 2015. Voice Male magazine is working to assist men and boys to engage as allies advocating for gender equality.
Whenever I post this article I receive many responses and many people share the article. The data regarding intimate partner violence (IPV) is shocking, 22% of women in America have experienced IPV in their lifetime. Less than 40% seek help, and one-third of women leaving an abusive situation report IPV revictimization and increased intensity of violence. 94% of IPV survivors experienced some form of economic abuse.
Most of the conversation about domestic violence has been centered on abused women, the statistics, and raising awareness about the problem. The article below focuses on male abusers and their point of view, it's enlightening.
"Abusive Men Describe The Benefits of Violence"
"For many years, I facilitated court-mandated groups for men who batter. In the early 1980s, we were concentrating on healthy relationship skills building, emotional identification and self-control, and anger management, among other related issues. Then battered women in Duluth, Minnesota, began gathering to discuss the impact of the violence on their lives. What emerged was that the men who beat them not only physically assaulted them, but also controlled where they went, who they talked to, what they wore, where they worked, if they worked, how the money was spent, when, with whom, and how they had sex, how the kids were raised, how the domestic labor was split in the household. You get the picture. Basically, the men got to control the women to get what the men wanted… and the threat and use of violence was the bottom line that ensured it would happen.
Now I was training men in weekly groups at the time to use assertiveness when in conflict with their wives or girlfriends, teaching them how to access and express their feelings appropriately. Then I would send them home to practice. The next week they would come back and report that their new assertiveness “skills” weren’t working. I asked them why, and they would say, “Because she still did A, B, C, and D and would not do E, F, and G.” Which is what he wanted. I began then to slowly understand that I was teaching men multiple personal life skills and they were simply using those skills in attempts to control women even more effectively.
So what was the point? Why were they so invested in this controlling and abusive behavior?
One night I started the group by asking the men what they thought the benefits were of their violence. At first, they all looked at each other (notably) and said, “There are no benefits.” This did not surprise me, as men who batter routinely deny their actions—as they deny their intents as well. So I said, “Well, there must be some benefits from the violence; otherwise why would you do it?” They looked at each other again and then one guy started admitting there were benefits, and then they all chimed in until the four-by-eight-foot blackboard I was writing their responses on was full.
Here is a list of the benefits they cited (until we ran out of space):
She’s scared and won’t go out and spend money
Get your way: go out
Respect
She won’t argue
Feeling superior: she’s accountable to me in terms of being somewhere on time: I decide
Keeps relationship going—she’s too scared to leave
Get the money
Get sex
Total control in decision-making
Use money for drugs
Don’t have to change for her
Power
Decide where to go (as a couple)
Who to see
What to wear
Control the children
If she’s late, she won’t be again
Intimidation
She’s scared & can’t confront me
Can convince her she’s screwin’ up
She feels less worthy so defers to my needs and wants
She will look up to me and accept my decisions without an argument
Decide her social life—what she wears so you can keep your image by how she acts
She’s to blame for the battering
She’s an object
(I get) a robot babysitter, maid, sex, food
Ego booster
She tells me I’m great
Bragging rights
If she works—get her money
Get her to quit job so she can take care of house
Isolate her so friends can’t confront me
Decide how money is spent
“I’m breadwinner”
Buy the toys I want
Take time for myself
She has to depend on me if I break her stuff
I get to know everything
She’s a nurse-maid
She comforts me
Supper on the table
Invite friends over w/o her knowin’ = more work for her
No compromise = more freedom
Don’t have to listen to her complaints for not letting her know stuff
She works for me
I don’t have to help out
I don’t have to hang out with her or kids
Determine what values kids have—who they play with, what school they go to or getting to ignore the process—dictating what they “need” food, clothes, recreation, etc.
Dictate reality, etc.
Kids on my side against her
Kids do what I say
Mold kids/her so that they will help do what I should do
Keeps kids quiet about abuse
Don’t have to get up, take out garbage, watch kids, do dishes, get up at night with kids, do laundry, change diapers, clean house, bring kids to appointments or activities, mop floors, clean refrigerator, etc.
Answer to nobody
Do what you want, when you want to
Get to ignore/deny your history of violence and other irresponsible behavior
Get to write history
Get to determine future
Choose battles & what it will cost her
Proves your superiority
Win all the arguments
Don’t have to listen to her wishes, complaints, anger, fears, etc.
Make the rules then break them when you want
So she won’t get help against you for past beatings because she has no friends to support her and she is confused by my lies
Convince her she’s nuts
Convince her she’s unattractive
Convince her she’s to blame
Convince her she’s the problem
I can dump on her
Can use kids to “spy” on mom
Kids won’t tell mom what I did
Kids won’t disagree with me
Don’t have to talk to her
I’m king of the castle
Can make yourself scarce
Have someone to unload on
Have someone to bitch at
She won’t call police
Tell kids don’t have to listen to mom
Get her to drop charges
Get her to support me to her family, my family, cops, judge, SCIP, prosecutors, etc.
Get her to admit it’s her fault
The first time I did this exercise I looked at the blackboard and I thought, “Oh my God. Why would they give it up?” I then decided to ask the men: Why give it up? They then filled a two-by-two foot space on the blackboard with things like, “get arrested,” “divorce,” “get protection orders taken out against you,” “adult kids don’t invite you to their weddings,” “have to go to groups like this.” That was about it.
This was the first time I fully comprehended the necessity of a consistent coordinated community response through the criminal, civil, and family court systems which can mete out safe and effective interventions that hold men who batter accountable while preserving the safety of the women, girls, and boys they abuse. It was on that day that I realized if I had to choose between providing batterer groups for men who batter or a consistently effective criminal and civil/family court response to domestic violence, I would choose the criminal and civil/family court response every time. There are just too many benefits gained from this behavior.
After that first time asking the men about the benefits of their violence, I began to be much more effective in my work. It was astounding how dramatically the groups changed once I acknowledged and remembered that the violence was functional— and that was why they used it."
https://ballardbrief.byu.edu/issue-briefs/domestic-violence-against-women-in-the-united-states
Comments